Creating Space for Self
The following articles offer a different lens to look through when thinking about self identity and self care, and a DBT exercise for emtional regulation.
Are you the fruit or the fruit bowl?
This helpful metaphor from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can help you to get closer to your real self. When we think of our identity we might list the roles we play, whether at work, at home, with friends or family, or in our hobbies. We might think of the beliefs and assumptions about ourselves and the world around. We see ourselves as made up of all of this 'content'.
Can you remember the stories that were told about you during your childhood? Were you the sensible, responsible and capable one who could be relied on to make the right decisons in life? Were you the helpful and caring one, the coper whose role was to help others, or the quiet and shy one who would always need support, the clever one who'd be a docitor, or the bad one who would always be in trouble, not to be trusted and wouldn't amount to anything?
How did these stories influence your view of yourself, your life choices, behaviour, emotions, interests growing up and into adulthood? What stories do you tell about yourself now? How do you describe yourself to others? What assumptions do you make about yourself that you can and can't do? That you are good at, or not good at? Would cope or not cope with? What are your good and bad character traits? How do you know?
Imagine that fruit bowl and that each piece of fruit inside represents your content - your emotions, beliefs, stories, assumptions, roles and behaviours. Notice that not all the pieces of fruit are the same size, some may be squashed or left to the side and ignored, some may be all jumbled up and fighting for space. Some may be our 'go to' and used straightaway. Over time some of the fruit changes in type or texture, just like our thoughts and emotions, depending on, say, external elements or relationships with the other pieces of fruit in the bowl.
However, the constant (our true self) is the bowl itself, it steadily holds and observes the fruit (the thoughts, emotions, stories, the change in emotions, the desire to 'go to' certain behaviours). The bowl is aware of the surrounding context that influences the content, but the bowl doesn't get drawn into or fuse and merge with the content.
When we put ourselves in the posiiton of the bowl, where we can non-judgementally accept, observe and hold the content without simultaneously getting pulled into the bowl and merging (or fighting) with all of its content, we create space.
Space for flexibility in our thinking, space for just being and noticing, space from reacting, and space for decision making that's not guided by our stories, assumptions or buttons being pressed, but by our wise self and our values. We create space to notice what's important to us, and space for our self and values to flourish so that we can act in ways that reflect these and give meaning to our lives.
We are not our mind and its content, and we are not the stories we have told ourselves.
What does self-care mean to you?
We often think of self care as taking time and space for ourselves to unwind and recharge, to escape from our worries, to connect with nature, to pamper ourselves or to spend time with loved ones. Self care can take us into our calm and safe zone, restoring some balance to our nervous system.
But sometimes the healing effects of this recharge are temporary, especially if we are doing these activities on autopilot, or as a task. During these activities we may not be fully present, perhaps instead adding to our to-do list, ruminating on work or family stresses, or listening to the critical voice in our heads saying we are being lazy or selfish.
Sometimes self-care can be over done - if we are stressed, anxious and hypervigilant, in 'threat' mode, going to the gym to exercise or running for miles may feel like a great way of relieving this -but it can sometimes have the effect of reinforcing our sense of stress and threat, and the idea that we need to push ourselves to our limits to fight it. We lose sight of what is causing the aniety and stress to start with- are we fighting or fleeing from something in the past that's making us feel afraid in the here and now?
Self care is noticing when we are disconnecting from our self and fusing instead with our critical voice or negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves, or reacting to our emotions in a way that feels like we are swinging on a pendulum that's gone out of control. We might recognise this fusion takes us further away from our values.
Taking time to be present in the moment and compassionately observing and accepting our emotions, thoughts and any body sensations that arise, may help us notice what is driving these.
Self care includes checking in with yourself, increasing your awareness of other factors that are affecting your wellbeing, such as: are your boundaries being overstepped (by yourself or others), are you moving further away from your values in the choices you are making at work, with friends and partners, or at home.
Self care includes observing with curiosity, without self-judgement, that voice in your head - is it's tone critical, who's voice is it, how is it helping you at this moment-what's it's purpose? -and responding to yourself with compassion. You might even thank the critical voice for its input and concern and ask it to step back for now so that you can make room for your voice of integrity and warmth. Often, the critical voice and compassionate voice achieve the same practical results, but with completely different effects on your self belief and self esteem.
Setting boundaries based not on what your critical inner voice tells you you should be doing more of, but on your values, needs and rights can help support your wellbeing.
Self care is being present and compassionate with yourself, letting your values centre and guide you towards your true self, even in the midst of difficulties, enabling an internal shift from shoulds' and musts' to making space for your values, for example creativity, self-expression, justice or learning.
Self care is not just finding a balance between all the daily responsibilities, activities and struggles. It's about navigating these with presence and boundaries while staying connected to our values and committed to behaviours and actions that are aligned with these.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy - regulating your emotions
DBT teaches us skills in living mindfully, developing interpersonal effectiveness, living to our values, and coping with distress - these all help with emotional regulation. One of the skills DBT teaches is called STOP -practice this when you feel like you may be overwhelmed by your emotions and act in ways you would rather avoid and aren't in keeping with your values. It is one tool in the DBT toolbox to support emotional regulation.
STOP
STOP- literally -when you become aware that you want to react. You might be aware of tense or active body sensations, a desire to speak, to interrupt or to actually erupt. Just STOP and be still.
Take a step back
Breathe slowly and unhook from your thoughts and emotions - notice and name them instead. Like the gap between the in breath and the out breath, there is a gap between stimulus and response. Step into this gap and the calmness and safety there. Let yourself be anchored there.
Observe
Observe what is happening around you, the sounds, smells, colours, textures you can feel. Observe the thoughts that pop up and acknowlege and label them instead -you might say to yourself 'here comes jumping to conclusions again', 'here comes irritation'. Become aware of your body holding and containing these thoughts and emotions, and connect your awareness with both your body and your surroundings.
Proceed Mindfully
Ask yourself what response would benefit you now and the situation, what does the situation really need from you, and does it need a response now. What action could you choose that would be in keeping with your values and goals?
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